The long summerBut he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young
The Killers </center>
You know, I'm a little surprised by this band. Mostly because they're current and popular. I normally don't like songs from current and popular bands as they come out, but generally catch on later if at all. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I like this song so much. It's likely because I identify - not with her, but with the man being described. I'm not physically beautiful. I'm not the daydream you have; the dream husband; the dream lover. I'm not any of those things. I am, however, sweet natured and articulate. I'm an average, everyday Joe, and I'm comfortable with that. I have soft places emotionally, which I was raised to believe is unheard of in a man. For the longest time, I hated that. I viewed it as weakness. I had to be strong. Powerful. In-control. I had to have an impenetrable will. Thanks to my perseverance and my penchant for swimming against the tide, I either have those things, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, and i've paid extraordinary fees for them.
Yet, there are places where I'm soft, and it took me a long time to realize that that wasn't a weakness. My uncle Richard wishes he could be half as gentle as I am, but he's a hard man, and the price of becoming a hard man is to give up your gentle side.
Easing out of close, romantic attachments hasn't happened seamlessly. That's okay. I expected that. I've come to recognize my contribution to my own misery in my past relationships, and while I haven't come to the end of that road, I'm devoted to my own success. It'll happen. The dynamic here is different. Whereas in Winnipeg, I was surrounded by women, with only a few scant men to confide in, the opposite is true here. Except that I have no female presence, physically, in my life right now. I have friends who are never far from my thoughts, but they're thousands of miles away. I work in an office with three other men; I come home, and share breathing space with another. I'm alone a lot. I have a lot of time to think, and read, and write, and play my video games. Because nature hates a vacuum, i'm not trapped in the void anymore - and for the first time in a long time, I'm thinking optimistically about what is still a very hazy, uncertain future.
Even so, I'm still giving it a year before I aim for love.
Hellloooooo!!
--
"The rim of my hat hides the eyes of a beast, the face of a sinner, and
the hands of a priest."
Sting
"I only see rainbows
Now that the bandages are gone"
The Air Conditioned Nightmare, Mister Bungle
And I understand it is pretty cold in Alberta, good thing i'm in Manitoba.
It's not bad here. -20 C is a warm day around this time of year, usually, and it's been - 5 to - 7 for the past few weeks.
--
"The rim of my hat hides the eyes of a beast, the face of a sinner, and
the hands of a priest."
Sting
"I only see rainbows
Now that the bandages are gone"
The Air Conditioned Nightmare, Mister Bungle
It's cold here, too. I'm sick of it, -15 at the very least at night. But it's supposed to warm up this weekend, I hope!!
You know i'll always come again.
You know i'd love to spend my mornings,
Like sunlight dancing on your skin.
I've never gone so wrong as for telling lies to you,
What you've seen is what I am.
There is nothing I can hide from you,
You see me better than I can.*
My anti-crack is the future, because dreaming of what could be provides me more pleasure than any chemical I could possibly ingest. I don't skimp, either. My dreams aren't half-assed. I consider life from every angle - financial, spiritual, artistic, romantic, etc.
I imagine myself living in a modest house in the city of Ajax, which is just outside of Toronto. It'll have white-washed walls, a tile floor in a well-maintained respectfully full kitchen, and paintings from local contemporary artists on the walls. I'll have a television, although it'll mostly be for decoration, because in my future, I don't watch television. Hardwood flooring in the living room, with a small deep bluish carpet surrounding the living area, with two blue couches and a blue chair surrounding a glass coffeetable filled with all kinds of interesting knickknacks, some literary and some not. Beyond the living room is the sliding doors, which lead to the back yard. The living room is lit by bronze (hued) sconce-like lights.
It's a two-storey, two bedroom house, with two bathrooms, one with a shower and the other with a bathtub/jazuuzi. The second bedroom is a guest bedroom, while the first is most certainly mine. It's clean, which will be a big step for me. Also, the bed is one of those augmentable (King-sized) sleep mattresses (if they work) with a deep violet comforter, and an elaborate faux-colonial headboard. Beside the bed are two dressers, the one on the left where I sleep, carries a notepad and a pen for story ideas that come in the night, whatever book i'm reading at the moment, and a light to read it under. The dresser on the right is either empty, or full, depending on whether or not the person i'm seeing is staying over. In the corner are my guitar and amplifier, and the other corner, my computer.
Now who will I be with?
Pictures of two fools laughing at the world
Smiling as only good love does
Truth is you're not even lookin' at me girl,
And all the time, I was fallin, you kept on stalling,
Sizin' up how big a fool I was.
It's unrealistic to think that I won't be with anyone ever. I will. It's also equally unrealistic to say I won't be unhappy alone, because I will, but it's also equally unrealistic to say that i'll be happy with someone as well. Happiness isn't conducive to togetherness, and i'm the kinda guy who sometimes likes to have someone around to commiserate with. That's why I can say with certainty that the person i'm going to be with is going to be both intelligent, so she can understand misery acutely, and emotionally complex, so she can still grin and appreciate it when it hits. I've decided to officially adopt the childfree lifestyle, so we'll both have to be mutually adopted by at least one cat, and probably adopt a dog. Is she childfree? Maybe when we meet, but that may change throughout the relationship. Who knows? Maybe I will too. The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing at all. My opinion's change all the time, based on new evidence and new reactions, and I can't possibly make a solid decision about anything. The only thing I know about this woman in my dreams is that she has the ability to break my heart, but can trust her not too.
What is this deed that i've made with fate?
And I wonder if I have left it too late?
My writing has been a part of my life for longer than I can remember. It was third grade when I wrote my first story, and after that, I was telling stories in lieu of elaborate, well-thought out lies, for years. I started seriously writing about five years ago, and I don't see it faltering or dying. I had a moment earlier in the year when doubt reared it's ugly head, and frankly, for an artist who's been doing this forever to have one memorable moment of doubt is quite remarkable. As pretentious as it sounds, I do consider myself an artist. I dislike the connotation of the word, but it fits me. I try not to be pretentious about it, but I can't help it. I am pretentious. In the future, i'm able to finance my lifestyle through my work at the Toronto Star as a beat reporter (either politics or entertainment), but the real joie de vivre , as it is now, is spending the hours at the computer, living vicariously in the worlds of my creation, exploring concepts and telling stories.
And like a lighthouse
you must stand alone
Landmark a safe journey's end
No matter what sea
I've been sailing on
I'll always come back home again
Out on the road that lies before me now
There are some turns where I will spin
I only hope that you can hold me now
Til I can gain control again
Ironically, I really am on my way. I'm not even a quarter of the way through this long journey, but a little direction has done me well thus far, and all of my sacrifices haven't been in vain. The future keeps me warm and safe at night, when the doubt arrives and I could make a serious mistake. I know i'm going to hit a snag somewhere along the road and end up veering dangerously close to losing it all at some point. I guess this is where faith comes in. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans, I know, but i've got faith that wherever life takes me, i'll be safe, and working towards the best life I could possibly have. I guess that makes my current hardship an investment in the future.
* All italicized lyrics courtesy of Blue Rodeo.
--
"The rim of my hat hides the eyes of a beast, the face of a sinner, and
the hands of a priest."
Sting
"I only see rainbows
Now that the bandages are gone"
The Air Conditioned Nightmare, Mister Bungle
--
We must live until we die.
~Deviant-Underground
--
"The rim of my hat hides the eyes of a beast, the face of a sinner, and
the hands of a priest."
Sting
"I only see rainbows
Now that the bandages are gone"
The Air Conditioned Nightmare, Mister Bungle
--
We must live until we die.
~Deviant-Underground
Previous Page123Next Page